I was sitting in the office after spending the morning at
the range. I had parts to design and the
range always motivates me. There’s
nothing like putting holes in paper at various distances on a sunny morning –
or watching the sun glint of your .22LR 300 yards down range as it sails 10 feet
wide of the target. I still haven’t
mastered the art of reading the wind…And then a scary thought enters my
mind. Did I remember to lock up the
guns?
This is it, I thought.
I’ve heard all the stories of these scary black guns running amok and
causing all sorts of chaos. Am I going
to be responsible for a firearm catastrophe?
I wasn’t worried about the .22 bolt action as he’s not very strong and
probably couldn’t get up the stairs on his own anyways. The old Cooey 12 gauge is just too old – he’s
been retired for years. The SKS suffers
from extreme agoraphobia which I believe stems from him not being able to speak
English. He also drinks a lot of
vodka. Listen, I’m not a proponent of
self-medicating, but who am I to judge?
I’m not the one living in a foreign country.
But I also own an AR15 and two handguns. Those are the ones you hear about! People want to ban them! And now they’re on the loose and angry due to
the discrimination! I can just see them
working together to access the ammo, which of course is stored separate from
the guns. And you just know the wise old
1911 is calling the shots here.
I don’t know how they can load themselves without thumbs,
but there are a lot of people out there who say that these objects are
dangerous, so it must be true. It’s just
hard for me to believe because I struggle sometimes to load the magazine for my
Steyr M40 and I have two thumbs. Admittedly,
I may not be as motivated as a pistol on the prowl.
But here we are; the trigger locks are off and the safe is
open. These three guns are probably
running through the neighbourhood shooting out windows and putting holes in
stop signs. As I don’t have much ammo at
home, I expect they will be robbing the nearest gun store of their ammo. This is the beginning of the end. My guns are going to see all the guns tied up
at the store and they will surely release them all! I hope at the very least, they will rescue an
HK SL8 and bring it home (I love those rifles).
Now that the guns have been liberated, what happens? Will they run everyone out of town? I picture scenes from any apocalypse
movie. You know... the shot of the city
with buildings ablaze, abandoned cars strewn about the highway…I have to stop
this! I grab my keys and run for the car
and head home. My gosh! Could you imagine if the car had a mind of
its own, like the firearms apparently do?
What if they were in cahoots?
I pull in the driveway, expecting to see the door wide open
and the house ransacked, but the door is locked. This is a good sign. I quietly open the door and creep downstairs,
fully expecting an ambush with each step.
Nothing happens. The eerie
silence sends shivers down my spine, but I push on to the gun room. And then I see it. The guns did not escape! There was no carnage! No mayhem!
I know what the hardcore anti-gun crowd is thinking – How is
this possible? Guns are evil killing
machines! Well, it turns out that they’re not so evil minded. You know, because of the whole inanimate
objects not having brains thing...
But this left me with one question… Who closed the safe and
trigger locked the firearms? Am I wrong
about the inanimate object statement?
Are my guns just really responsible and chose to lock their own safe? Then it dawns on me: they didn’t do that, because this entire blog
post is satirical and I did not leave anything unlocked, because I am a law
abiding and responsible firearm owner, and there is no reason to fear me or my
hobby.
For those of you who babysit similar pesky firearms, remember to take them out for exercise on a regular basis.
And for those of you who think our legally purchased property should be taken away simply because you say so, Let go of your unfounded fear and get to know us law abiding gun owners. We’re quite nice.
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DavidHam
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